I stole the title from an entry my wife wrote on our personal family/adoption blog (let me know if you want the link).  As I often do, I’ll apologize for the shock value but it’s really an insincere apology since I’m kind of trying to get attention (and since an alternative title was Intellectual Honesty Part 2).  Before I start, let me emphasize that this is not a ranting against all or you - this is a (painful) change I have forced myself to make in my personal thought process because I realized I was not being honest with myself.

Jenny’s entry was longer and more comprehensive than mine, but my brief spin on it is this:  All the time, I catch myself thinking or saying, “I really want to do __________ for the (insert: poor/homeless/orphan/ child sex slave/sick/...), BUT ___________.”  Here’s where I must consider my but, and where I must be honest with myself.

$30-40/month can literally save a child’s life, prevent the slavery/forced labor for that child, prevent preventable disease, and provide education and hope.  We give that much many times over, but the need is still great.  So, there is only one but for me.  That but is this: “I really want to help, BUT I CARE MORE ABOUT HAVING MY SATELLITE TV / NIGHTS OUT / MOUNTAIN BIKE / MUSIC FESTIVAL TICKETS /... than I do about saving a life.  I do.  It’s shocking, but it’s the only honest but out there.  I don’t care how much I’m already giving.  If I choose to spend $70/month on satellite TV when that could save two lives, I care more about that TV than about those lives.  Any other argument is just plain dishonest (and I would say stupid if I wasn’t such a kind, subtle, and gentle person).

You can insert buts about time or effort for my example about money as well.  It still circles back to one but - I care more about a uses of time such as kids sports, jiu jitsu training, watching TV, etc… than I do about really connecting with neighbors who desperately need what Jesus has to offer through me.

So here I am - fallen, selfish and gluttonous at my core.  How do I reconcile this to what I believe?  I really beleive that the single but I propose is the only intellectually honest but.  How can I live like I do?  What a wretch I am, truly… truly in need of grace and ongoing change and growth in loving my neighbor as myself.  I need His spirit for that, but I need to be willing… God help me be.